Published July 10, 2010
watch as dancer casts her spell
hatred black as bird from hell
watch as dancer lifts her veil
dance for seven days until she fail
listen to dancer sing her song
melody intertwine, short and long
listen to dancer tell her tale
of gods and kings and the seventh veil
watch as dancer dances bright
watch as dancer embraces night
hatred black as bird from hell
watch as dancer casts her spell
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I was actually about to point out what the comment before me did. Also, I have to say, the lack of articles did bother me.. it was just awkward reading it. Of course, it is up to the writer to make the decision whether to include them or not.
Overall, beautiful imagery in a great piece. Nice job.
This poem is very dark and mysterious, which I like very much. I have one general problem with it, though. It wasn't the lack or articles; it was the conjugation of the verbs, the tenses. If I edit some things and put them in red, maybe you'll see what I mean.
Seeing as this isn't prose, it isn't necessary that you fix any of the things I've pointed out. However, some of the words you choose make me feel a little bit like this was written by a child. Of course, I can see beyond that, but not every person out there will be able to.